In October 2011, I engaged in
powerful Death Lodge ritual
powerful Death Lodge ritual
with my biological father
through an experience
of Lucid Dreaming.
of Lucid Dreaming.
In my dream state,
I was called to the bedside
of my dying father.
My father & I have not had contact
for over 25 years;
meeting him in my dream
for over 25 years;
meeting him in my dream
was a poignant encounter.
Below is a SoulCollage card I created
to honor this part of my lineage.
It took me years to get to this perspective,
and have the courage to create
something of this quality of light
around the theme of Father.
something of this quality of light
around the theme of Father.
In my dream, I approached my father
in his hospital bed.
I saw his small, fragile body.
and felt compassion for him,
like I would have towards
anyone preparing to die.
anyone preparing to die.
Being able to feel compassion for him
made me see how much healing
I'd done over the years.
Wounds were inflicted in this relationship
...yet, here I could stand in compassion
with the inflictor.
with the inflictor.
I felt strong in my healing.
There was sadness in me too,
sadness that I didn't feel anything more
for this dying man that has played a key role
in the shaping of my life,
and my future relationships with men.
and my future relationships with men.
I woke from my dream,
shed tears of grief, drank tea,
then went back into lucid dream space
to visit my father again at his bedside.
My father looked up at me, and said
“Wow, you turned out good.”
I stood there, and received his compliment
for the truth that it was.
Opening to receive the light
of this compliment, from this man,
was a powerful act of opening for me.
My first words to my father were;
“I kept our Agreement.”
We looked at each other
and absorbed the power of our “Agreement”,
made 25 years ago
by my father, with gun in hand;
by my father, with gun in hand;
"Leave now. Never come back.
You are dead to us.
We no longer have a daughter.
You do not have a family.
We do not want to know if you are Alive.
Leave now. Never come back."
Here's one of the SoulCollage cards
I created about living in exile.
So here my father & I were
in this dream portal,
looking into each other eyes
honoring our sturdy allegiance.
Honor was shared between us in that moment.
We both had held up our end of the Agreement.
“Yes father, I turned out good.”
In spite of it all, I am creative,
intelligent, independent,
loving, passionate, talented and kind.
In spite of all the darkness,
In spite of all the terror,
In spite of all the terror,
there was enough light to get me through,
and for that I give you some credit.
Thank you for not pulling the trigger. 
As I heal my pain from this relationship,
I offer my healing in service to
I offer my healing in service to
the larger fracture and dis-ease
of the Divine Masculine in the world.
May my healing and wholeing
extend into all my relationships,
and into all father / daughter connections.
May my healing have heart value
that ripples out into the world
in service to kindness, love and respect.
May my healing offer something
of value to all of humanity;
past, present and future.
Whew.
Father, you enrolled me
into a Masters program
into a Masters program
of healing & wholeing
that I would not have received
from any other poison.
As I witnessed my father's passage
through deaths gate,
I knew it was time to release myself
from his last name as well.
As he died, I let this part of me go.
I opened to Spirit
and asked to receive my new name.
The moniker that would
guide and inspire me forward
into my Second Adulthood.
This Death Lodge process with my father
was a powerful milestone
in receiving my new name;
Raven Shree
"The Bringer of Light"
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