Autumn is a powerful time
to reflect on your journey through the year;
harvesting wisdom from your life experiences,
and releasing restrictions & resentments
as compost for new beginnings
coming through with the New Year.
to reflect on your journey through the year;
and releasing restrictions & resentments
as compost for new beginnings
coming through with the New Year.
As I reflect on my year of 2019
I honor the themes of sadness & aloneness
I honor the themes of sadness & aloneness
that have been overarching companions
for me as I lived this 2nd year
of my MiddleWorld Apprenticeship. for me as I lived this 2nd year
My year began with my father‘s death.
My initial response to this news
was a profound sense of freedom.
A weight I'd been carrying for years
was instantly released.
was a profound sense of freedom.
A weight I'd been carrying for years
was instantly released.
However, after the initial rush wore off,
a deep level of sadness enveloped me.
I saw how much the fear I'd been holding onto
for so many years as a result of
my relationship with my bio parents
for so many years as a result of
my relationship with my bio parents
has constricted my life in so many ways.
So many opportunities lost.
So many opportunities lost.
I shared some of my sadness around this
on social media & was absolutely surprised
by the lack of support and/or reach outs to me
from people I had relationships with
that had seen my posts.
that had seen my posts.
From close friends to acquaintances,
the critical mass of no one reaching out to me
in real & connected ways
in response to my sharing of hurt & sadness
spiraled me into a deep sense of aloneness.
in real & connected ways
in response to my sharing of hurt & sadness
spiraled me into a deep sense of aloneness.
As I moved through my heavy feelings
of sadness, hurt and abandonment,
I continued to stay devoted to
the vows and intentions
of my MiddleWorld Apprenticeship.
Staying in service to humanity
even when I felt hurt & abandoned by it
was a powerful learning process.
This blog shares the 5 main stages
I've been moving through as I experience
and continue to process the aloneness of my 2019.
Featured here is some of my photography
and a few of my SoulCollage creations.
of sadness, hurt and abandonment,
I continued to stay devoted to
the vows and intentions
of my MiddleWorld Apprenticeship.
Staying in service to humanity
even when I felt hurt & abandoned by it
was a powerful learning process.
This blog shares the 5 main stages
I've been moving through as I experience
and continue to process the aloneness of my 2019.
Featured here is some of my photography
and a few of my SoulCollage creations.
1. Saying Yes
With none of my core circle
reaching out to me during my dark hours,
I made a decision to say Yes
reaching out to me during my dark hours,
I made a decision to say Yes
to those that did reach out to me.
I wanted to honor & open up to
what the universe WAS bringing my way.
I wanted to honor & open up to
what the universe WAS bringing my way.
Saying Yes to all that came forward
took me into some interesting interactions
and helped me create new connections.
and helped me create new connections.
It also helped me clarify that not everybody
that wants to spend time with me
is someone I want to spend time with.
This helped me validate
I would rather spend time alone
I would rather spend time alone
then be with another person that requires
so much effort to be in shared space with.
Having this clarity helped me find
increased value in my aloneness
and decreased some of my internal ache.
2. One-on-One Conversations
I initiated conversations with several people
to share with them my hurt,
and let them know I had come to see
a pattern in most of my relationships.
to share with them my hurt,
and let them know I had come to see
a pattern in most of my relationships.
Throughout most of my life,
and in many of my relationships,
I am the initiator of connection.
and in many of my relationships,
I am the initiator of connection.
I am most often the one that reaches out
with date ideas and am the one
that leads adventure experiences.
with date ideas and am the one
that leads adventure experiences.
I've always had the tendency to be a leader,
however, I was not aware how prevalent
this trait had become in my life.
Not only was it a theme of my professional life,
it's been predominant in my personal life too.
however, I was not aware how prevalent
this trait had become in my life.
Not only was it a theme of my professional life,
it's been predominant in my personal life too.
I shared with others I no longer want to be
the one always initiating contact & connection.
As I continue to practice saying Yes,
I also want to practice Responding.
I let others know if they wanted to connect,
the ball was in their court.
It's been interesting to see the effects of this shift.
the one always initiating contact & connection.
As I continue to practice saying Yes,
I also want to practice Responding.
I let others know if they wanted to connect,
the ball was in their court.
It's been interesting to see the effects of this shift.
Without me taking the lead at cultivating connection
most of my relationships have faded away.
On the flip side, there have been several relationships
that have stepped up & forward, and as a result,
our connection has deepened.
That's been lovely too.
our connection has deepened.
That's been lovely too.
3. Core Denominator
As I moved through layers of
forgiveness & acceptance
towards the people I felt let down by,
I knew I had to look in the mirror as well.
I was the common denominator
in all these relationships.
There was a level of ownership
I needed to take around creating a life
that lacked so much depth with other humans.
In this reflection process,
I had to name, own and ultimately forgive
my controlling tendencies
and the boundaries I have around intimacy.
Now that my father is dead
there is an opportunity for me
to create new ways of being in relationship
with others and the world in general.
with others and the world in general.
With my father no longer alive on the planet
space opens up for me to release
another layer of constriction & protection
around how I guard my personal space.
4. Giving What I Want to Receive
As I went through this process
it was important to me that I continue
to engage & live the vows
of my MiddleWorld Apprenticeship,
of my MiddleWorld Apprenticeship,
of which, 2 of my core intentions are:
engaging kindness & interacting with
the wild animal of my species.
My practice this year
has been to not become jaded
has been to not become jaded
and not pull back from people
as a result of my hurt.
But rather, to give to others
what I would want to receive,
even when I am not getting what I want in return.
as a result of my hurt.
But rather, to give to others
what I would want to receive,
even when I am not getting what I want in return.
This has been a big learning edge for me;
extending myself into the world with kindness
for the sake of being kind,
and not expecting anything in return
other then the satisfaction of me living
one of my deep soul vows.
5. Release Projections of Desire
When I interact with someone amazing,
I often project a future state onto them,
a fantasy that we'll connect again,
and continue to drive aliveness
into & through an on-going relationship.
My learning edge now
is to be present in an experience
and be with it how it is in the moment,
and not project a future state
onto someone or something
based on my desire of how I would like
to see our connection grow.
My goal is not to diminish my desires,
but rather to eliminate my projection
of them onto others.
I still have the desire for deep connection
and intimacy in my life,
however, this year showed me
I was projecting my desires onto others
of what I thought friendship
I was projecting my desires onto others
of what I thought friendship
and compassion should look like,
and when that did not manifest
I was filled with sadness & a deep feeling of loss.
My experience this year helped me understand
several different tiers of relating with humans,
which I'll share more about in my next blog.
Defining these levels of connection
helped me release my projections
of want onto others, and helped me deepen
the friendship I have with myself
and the fullness of an individual moment.
As so, as the year winds down
I find myself in deep gratitude
for all the sadness & loneliness
I experienced throughout 2019.
My fathers passage is catapulting me
into a new layer of healing & wholeing,
and in that process many of my relationships
have faded away, along with
belief patterns & defense mechanisms
that are no longer needed.
Moving through these 5 stages
throughout the year,
has cleared my life of so much.
And, in the space of emptiness that formed,
new opportunities are starting to emerge.
New relationships & beliefs
that will carry me forward into Year 3
of my MiddleWorld Apprenticeship.
I am still practicing saying YES more often,
and continuing to practice Responding
to the world when it reaches out to me.
I have greatly diminished my projections
of desire onto others, and have found
a richer connection with self
and the aloneness that has been
a central theme of my life
Without the expansive experience of loss
that permeated my year of 2019
I would not have had the impetus
to deepen my commitment to my practice
in the way that I did.
I am grateful and more attuned now
to the vows & intentions
of my MiddleWorld Living.
several different tiers of relating with humans,
which I'll share more about in my next blog.
Defining these levels of connection
helped me release my projections
of want onto others, and helped me deepen
the friendship I have with myself
and the fullness of an individual moment.
I find myself in deep gratitude
for all the sadness & loneliness
I experienced throughout 2019.
My fathers passage is catapulting me
into a new layer of healing & wholeing,
and in that process many of my relationships
have faded away, along with
belief patterns & defense mechanisms
that are no longer needed.
Moving through these 5 stages
throughout the year,
has cleared my life of so much.
And, in the space of emptiness that formed,
new opportunities are starting to emerge.
New relationships & beliefs
that will carry me forward into Year 3
of my MiddleWorld Apprenticeship.
I am still practicing saying YES more often,
and continuing to practice Responding
to the world when it reaches out to me.
I have greatly diminished my projections
of desire onto others, and have found
a richer connection with self
and the aloneness that has been
a central theme of my life
Without the expansive experience of loss
that permeated my year of 2019
I would not have had the impetus
to deepen my commitment to my practice
in the way that I did.
I am grateful and more attuned now
to the vows & intentions
of my MiddleWorld Living.
Contemplations
- What lessons do you learn from your aloneness?
- What conversations want to come forward
in your relationships?
- What desires do you project onto others?
- What forgiveness can you offer others
for not living up to your fantasies?
Stay Connected
