Ecosystem of Trauma

Last summer I went to Oregon to “Close the Demon Gate”, a ceremony during which I received inspiration to mute the stories of my life 0-18. I’ve done so much therapy on this part of my past, now it’s time to move on and focus healing on the next stage of my life 18-28. 

..and dang…18 was an intense year for me, starting with strangulation; a trauma I’ve worked to heal for many years, yet never quite seem to be able to resolve. This trauma, along with several others at the hands of men (including my father), seeded in me a deep fear of annihilation by men throughout most of my life. 

…so here I am, on my winter “Triple D” Chakra Journey…arriving at the Throat Chakra…knowing this core wounding is going to surface again. However this time around, I did something different. 

Usually, when I work on healing traumas, I focus on a singular event. The strangulation experience was only one event that day… by expanding my focus to the larger ecosystem this event happened in, I was able to access a wider range of understanding about the depth of the wound I was carrying, and therefore access a bigger frequency of healing. 

The Larger Container 

After being strangled, I was not able to go to the police because my father was sheriff in the small town I lived in. I never associated my father with my strangulation event, however, there he was, at a deep level, influencing the support I could or could not get during this time of my life. Seeing this correlation to my father allowed me to recognize a new layer of abandonment I felt with him, deepening my understanding of why healing this incident was taking so long. The scar ran deep. 

To compound the issue, the family I was staying with at the time took the side of the guy that strangled me, claiming “blood is thicker then water”. I ended up sleeping in the same house with this guy for 3 nights, with a knife under my pillow, until I found a way to get out of that town for good! 

Seeing the larger ecosystem this trauma occurred in allowed me to better understand how stripped down to the bone this day took me. Until I pieced these singular events together, I was not able to name the extreme level of betrayal I felt during this time of my life. My subconscious knew it, my life force was heavily guarded as a result of it, however, my mind and conscious capacity was not aware of this larger story…until now…

By expanding the scope of my healing focus from one event to a larger container of events strung together, I was able to see that my healing focus was not so much needed on the strangulation, but on the larger aloneness, abandonment and betrayal I experienced during this time of my life...and have been carrying for many years. 

At first it was a bit shocking to see the intensity of this aspect of my life journey, however, as I sat with the intensity, I felt a power surge inside me…and in a flash of instant recognition, I saw that even though this happened to me, I survived. 

Left with nothing and no one, I had only myself...and somehow that was enough. I've lived a full life and have turned into a pretty amazing women, in spite of it all (or maybe because of it all?) Recognizing this triumph shifted a core perception in my mind...a shift from being a Victim to being a Survivor..a pathway that had never been defined in my mind as an option. 

Moving through this recent healing experience was profound. I felt a deeply rooted fear in my being soften, my voice is opening as this throat constriction releases, my heart is expanding to new possibilities as I release my fear of annihilation, and a courage and a power to live is growing inside me. I feel like I have crested the peak with this trauma, and it may truly be behind me now - which is totally exciting. 

I Am a Survivor. 

  

...and so are you....

Here are some question prompts for you to explore your life journey through. 

• What traumas feel unresolved in your life? 
• What larger ecosystem did this trauma occur in? 
• What resources did you have or not have in this larger container of experience? 
• Is there a shift from Victim to Survivor available to you in your healing? 
• How can you transmute poisons from your living into elixirs of strength? 

Some of my SoulCollage creations to adjunct this personal share: 

Layers of Shadow

My Father 

Contracted & Protected 

Triple D: Crown Chakra Expansion

One of my SoulCollage card creations 

To honor this last winter of my 7 year Death Lodge experience, I activated a Divine Download Chakra Journey on Winter Solstice, Dec 21, 2016.  On this “Triple D” journey I spent about one week in each chakra, starting in the Crown Chakra and moving down into the Root Chakra. 

Focusing on one chakra a week guided the general direction of my inquires and experiences, starting me out in a matrix of unlimited possibilities and moving that energy down into manifest, embodied form. 

• The Crown Chakra deals with dimensions of the Mind, such as thought, opinion and beliefs. Thoughts are the primary structures that create your reality, therefore they are important to witness and be aware of. Change your thoughts, change your reality. 

• On a physical level, the Crown Chakra governs the Brain, specifically the cerebral cortex which deals with higher mental powers, intellectual capacity and the generation of ideas.

• In the spiritual realm, the Crown Chakra governs transcendence and universal consciousness; where we disconnect from illusions & attachments of the lower chakras and claim a Universal Identity of Oneness. 

Personal Experience 
The overarching intention for my Crown Chakra week was to be aware of mind, to witness the forces that influence my thinking, and expand belief structures that define my reality. I can be a bit rigid in my beliefs, and a bit judgmental of belief systems that differ greatly from mine. As I prepare to move further out into the world, I want to soften the edges of my thinking so I can better relate with others, and expand the possibilities by which I define and create my reality. 

During my Crown Chakra week, I hung out with a new friend, who defined himself as an atheist, a belief system I do not have much interaction with. It was interesting to notice how little charge and judgement I had about this belief structure. None of us know what truth is in this area, so who am I to judge what is right or wrong in the realm of the unknowable. 

It was wonderful to witness the respect and acceptance I had for his belief system which is so different than mine. Noticing this also supported me in reflecting on my journey of spirituality over the years. After I left my parents as a teen-ager, I was filled with so much anger and sadness at the hand I had been dealt in life. There was about a 10 year time frame where I could not speak the word "God." It was one of the dirtiest curse words I could imagine, and I could not bring myself to let this frequency come out of my mouth.  

Once I sobered up, dealt with my anger, found myself in a loving relationship, and became a contributing member of society, I found myself studying Taoism, Buddhism, and eventually found the Chakras, which has became a core organizing structure in my life. And as such, formulated an inspirational belief in me of a higher, divine intelligence that shapes the universe and influences the infinity of all (...sometimes I even call this force God...wow...look evolved I've become :) 

As I move out into the world, and meet more people with different view points than me, I want to be able to stay grounded and centered in my light, love and appreciation for the variables in our species, while also staying open to learning and growing from all my interactions. Yes, there are belief systems that are more challenging for me to be in relationship with, however, there is so much for me to learn by interacting with humanity, in all its light and shadow forms. 

Crown Chakra Contemplations 

A healthy Crown Chakra is open to opportunities for learning and bringing in information. An engaged Crown Chakra seeks knowledge throughout life, continually striving to uncover the forces that influence thinking.  The more aware we are of the forces that influence our thinking, the better we are at identifying new possibilities and alternatives to expand and enhance our existence in this lifetime.

• What practice do you engage in to witness the construct of your thoughts? 
• What are your core beliefs? How did they form? How do they direct & define your life? 
• Are there outdated beliefs you are holding on to that you are ready to let go of? 
• How can you release attachment to these beliefs and open up to more expansive thinking? 
• How do you connect with the higher intelligence that crafts and directs creation? 
• How can you cultivate a meditation practice to witness the construct of your mind? 

One of my SoulCollage card creations 

I have many friends that follow the teachings of "A Course In Miracles", which has a core precept that all events and experiences are neutral, and that it is your thoughts that bring interpretation to them as either positive or negative. One of my dearest friends who lives this practice so beautifully, creates tiles of her photographs with inspirational words on them. She spreads these creations out in the world to inspire and uplift others. Here is a link to her HugHealer facebook page so you can learn more about her living and loving in the world, and her practice of using her thoughts to create a more peaceful world, for herself and others. I love you Zen.