Divine Download: Ecosystem of Trauma

Last summer I went to Oregon to “Close the Demon Gate”, a ceremony during which I received inspiration to mute the stories of my life 0-18. I’ve done so much therapy on this part of my past, now it’s time to move on and focus healing on the next stage of my life 18-28.

..and dang…18 was an intense year for me, starting with strangulation; a trauma I’ve worked to heal for many years, yet never quite seem to be able to resolve. This trauma, along with several others at the hands of men (including my father), seeded in me a deep fear of annihilation by men throughout most of my life.

…so here I am, on my winter “Triple D” Chakra Journey…arriving at the Throat Chakra…knowing this core wounding is going to surface again. However this time around, I did something different.

Usually, when I work on healing traumas, I focus on a singular event. The strangulation experience was only one event that day… by expanding my focus to the larger ecosystem this event happened in, I was able to access a wider range of understanding about the depth of the wound I was carrying, and therefore access a bigger frequency of healing.

The Larger Container

After being strangled, I was not able to go to the police because my father was sheriff in the small town I lived in. I never associated my father with my strangulation event, however, there he was, at a deep level, influencing the support I could or could not get during this time of my life. Seeing this correlation to my father allowed me to recognize a new layer of abandonment I felt with him, deepening my understanding of why healing this incident was taking so long. The scar ran deep.

To compound the issue, the family I was staying with at the time took the side of the guy that strangled me, claiming “blood is thicker then water”. I ended up sleeping in the same house with this guy for 3 nights, with a knife under my pillow, until I found a way to get out of that town for good!

Seeing the larger ecosystem this trauma occurred in allowed me to better understand how stripped down to the bone this day took me. Until I pieced these singular events together, I was not able to name the extreme level of betrayal I felt during this time of my life. My subconscious knew it, my life force was heavily guarded as a result of it, however, my mind and conscious capacity was not aware of this larger story…until now…

By expanding the scope of my healing focus from one event to a larger container of events strung together, I was able to see that my healing focus was not so much needed on the strangulation, but on the larger aloneness, abandonment and betrayal I experienced during this time of my life...and have been carrying for many years.

At first it was a bit shocking to see the intensity of this aspect of my life journey, however, as I sat with the intensity, I felt a power surge inside me…and in a flash of instant recognition, I saw that even though this happened to me, I survived.

Left with nothing and no one, I had only myself...and somehow that was enough. I've lived a full life and have turned into a pretty amazing women, in spite of it all (or maybe because of it all?) Recognizing this triumph shifted a core perception in my mind...a shift from being a Victim to being a Survivor..a pathway that had never been defined in my mind as an option.

Moving through this recent healing experience was profound. I felt a deeply rooted fear in my being soften, my voice is opening as this throat constriction releases, my heart is expanding to new possibilities as I release my fear of annihilation, and a courage and a power to live is growing inside me. I feel like I have crested the peak with this trauma, and it may truly be behind me now - which is totally exciting.

I Am a Survivor.

...and so are you....

Here are some question prompts for you to explore your life journey through.