The Eyes of my Father's Spirit

My Father's recent death 

has been a powerful initiation for me 

into the 2nd year 

of my Second Adulthood. 

As I widen into MiddleWorld living, 

there's a new space opening up

for me to expand into 

now that my father

is no longer alive on this planet. 

This blog shares some of my evolutions  

as a daughter & as a women

now that my father is dead. 

Featured here are also some of my  

SoulCollage creations. 

As soon as I learned of my father's death 

I started working with his spirit 

as it passed into Bardo space. 

I knew there was powerful magic 

available in this intention & prayer, 

for both his spirit & mine. 

It was a wonderful way 

to honor my ancestral lineage,

and call in angel resources 

for his shifting consciousness.

It also helped me bring a new level 

of conclusion to this relationship.   

You can read more about Bardo 

in this blog link. 

Another thing that happened for me

as I expanded into the experience 

of my fathers death,  

was that after spending 30 years 

hiding from this man...

now all of a sudden, 

he could see me!!!

I've spent the past 30 years 

keeping my life small & hidden

in so many ways 

so that my parents wouldn't find me.

 Now all of a sudden, 

my father's spirit could see me. 

This epiphany was an exposing moment, 

especially since it came through  

while I was naked in my bathtub. 

So there I was; naked, 

with my Father's spirit 

seeing the fullness 

of my inner & outer being. 

In that moment 

I knew I could experience this 

revelation in one of two ways. 

I could close down my energy field 

and continue the contraction 

this relationship has brought into my life

for so many years. 

...or I could open up, 

and allow myself to be seen,

fully, as the women I've become.  

I choose to open up. 

So there I was... 

naked in my bathtub

allowing myself to be seen 

by my father's spirit

in the fullness of who I am. 

It was a weird feeling. 

I've spent my whole life contracted 

against this man & this relationship; 

and now here I was unfolding 

and opening to it in a very new way. 

As I brought my father's 

seeing eye perspective

into the movements of my daily life, 

I began to open up 

to a new way of being in a world 

without the threat of my father in it. 

On the surface, it sounds like 

this would be freeing & exhilarating...

however, during this process, 

I came to see so many ways 

my life force has been shut down, 

and how limited my relationship

with the world has been as a result of 

my father / daughter relationship.

It's been a sad mirror to look into. 

The threat of annihilation by a parent

causes a deep contraction 

in the BodyMind complex of a child.

  

My personal experience with this wound

has brought into my life many layers

of protection, guarding and fear, 

...and ultimately the opportunity 

for many deep healing experiences. 

Yes, it sucks to have someone 

hate you so much they want you dead. 

Yes, it sucks to have this person be a parent. 

Yes, it sucks to live a life hiding 

from someone out of fear for your life. 

However, what I learned from this fear... 

is that I was hiding because 

I wanted to live. 

Now that my father is no longer alive 

the call to step more fully into living

is calling me forward; 

and I now have one less excuse 

for not answering its call. 

It's a little terrifying. 

This is one of the first SoulCollage cards
I created around my father.
You can read more about it by clicking this link 

One of the pieces I'm working with now,

as my father's spirit continues to transition,  

is to release with him, 

limiting & constrictive beliefs 

I've acquired from this relationship. 

Limiting beliefs around my femininity. 

Limiting beliefs around the qualities of man. 

Limiting beliefs around the worth of my being.  

 

I did a 4 card Tarot reading

around my father's death

which offered lovely insight & inspiration 

to support me through this process. 

I worked this spread for a month 

and just recently put these cards 

back into the master deck for integration. 

Here's a video share about how these cards 

supported my process.   

I've been moving through lots of emotions 

and experiences related to this passage. 

It's been disorienting for me in so many ways. 

I'm finally coming through to the other side

and finding a more stable ground to stand on.  

I'm deeply devoted to expanding into 

the magic & life force available to me 

from this new level of freedom 

opening up in my life. 

I'm curious to see how I take advantage 

of this opportunity of living 

being extended to me.  

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My Fathers Passage into Bardo

On Christmas night 2018 

I learned of my biological fathers death. 
This news immediately lifted a weight off me,  
and an expansion of freedom
swept through my BodyMind complex. 

As I move into the 2nd year

of my Second Adulthood, 

I am coming to understand that the release 

of my bio parents from this planet 

 will be a part of this phase of my life. 

For most of my life I've had the knowing
there is a level of freedom
I will only be able to expiernace
once my mother & father
are no longer alive on this planet.

My fathers recent passing opens me
to a taste of this freedom
that I've wondered about most of my life.
It's a powerful way to kick off 2019. 
 

Even though my father just recently died,
many of my connections to him 

were completed in Death Lodge ritual 
 several years ago.
This is when I released myself 

from his last name as well. 

You can read more about that in this blog link. 

To honor the release of my father from Earth,  

I journeyed into Bardo space,
to work with his spirit as it transitions.

In various spiritual teachings,
Bardo is a realm of consciousness 

where spirits go after they leave the body.
It's the space "in-between" incarnations.

In the space of Bardo, consciousness 

integrates & releases life experiences,
before it moves into assimilation with the next realm,
what ever that may be.

My father's discharge from Earth, 

and entry into Bardo
offers both of our spirits an opportunity
for powerful magic & healing.

In his journey through Bardo 

I choose to believe my fathers spirit
is able to access a new layer
of peace & knowing,

which by default I get to benefit from as well. 

As his consciousness shifts, mine can too.  

Here's a SoulCollage card I created
to honor my fathers time in Bardo
assimilating & releasing his life experiences.

When I first started shamanic journeying
into Bardo space, it was to work with & heal
the masculine side of my ancestral lineage.
The below video highlights
 this experience in more detail.

As I work with the energetic shift 

of my father moving into the Bardo, 

I see him joining the other men 

at the rock slab table of my lineage

mentioned in the video below. 

It is hypothesized that spirits stay in Bardo
for about 4 generations,
which is about 100 years.

As my father's spirit moves into Bardo, 
he is joining his ancestors in this realm as well. 
As this familial assimilation happens,
 over time energy shifts are occurring
that heal history,
and evolve consciousness forward 
for future generations. 

In this way, the space of Bardo
is a part of the Infinity Symbol
that ties together Past, Present. Future.

In my fathers shapeshifting,
I get to access a new type of medicine;  
ointment for a sacred wound 
inflicted while he was in human form,
that I can work with on a new level
now that he is no longer in a body.

My father's passage opens a freedom
that will support me in so many ways
as I continue to engage & craft my
Second Adulthood
living in the MiddleWorld.

It's been an honor & a joy
to work his Bardo portal crossing
with so much love & intention.
This may be the best interaction
my father & I have had in our relationship.
It's a sweet gift to get at the end.

I now have another force 
of ancestor influence on my family tree.

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Death Lodge with my Father

In October 2011, I engaged in 
powerful Death Lodge ritual 

with my biological father 

through an experience 
of Lucid Dreaming. 

In my dream state, 

I was called to the bedside 

of my dying father. 

My father & I have not had contact 
for over 25 years; 
 meeting him in my dream 

was a poignant encounter.  

Below is a SoulCollage card I created 

to honor this part of my lineage. 

It took me years to get to this perspective,

and have the courage to create 
something of this quality of light
around the theme of Father. 

In my dream, I approached my father 

in his hospital bed.  

I saw his small, fragile body. 

and felt compassion for him,

 like I would have towards 
anyone preparing to die.  

Being able to feel compassion for him 

made me see how much healing 

I'd done over the years.

 Wounds were inflicted in this relationship

...yet, here I could stand in compassion
with the inflictor. 

I felt strong in my healing. 

There was sadness in me too,  

sadness that I didn't feel anything more

for this dying man that has played a key role 

in the shaping of my life,
and my future relationships with men. 

I woke from my dream, 

shed tears of grief, drank tea, 

then went back into lucid dream space 

to visit my father again at his bedside. 

My father looked up at me, and said 

“Wow, you turned out good.”

I stood there, and received his compliment 

for the truth that it was.  

Opening to receive the light 

of this compliment, from this man,

was a powerful act of opening for me. 

My first words to my father were; 

“I kept our Agreement.”  

We looked at each other 

and absorbed the power of our “Agreement”, 

made 25 years ago 
by my father, with gun in hand; 

"Leave now. Never come back. 

You are dead to us. 

We no longer have a daughter. 

You do not have a family. 

We do not want to know if you are Alive. 

Leave now. Never come back."

Here's one of the SoulCollage cards 

I created about living in exile. 

You can read more about this card 

"Killing Fields" on my website.  

So here my father & I were 

in this dream portal, 

looking into each other eyes

honoring our sturdy allegiance.  

Honor was shared between us in that moment.  

We both had held up our end of the Agreement. 

“Yes father, I turned out good.”

In spite of it all, I am creative, 

intelligent, independent, 

loving, passionate, talented and kind. 

In spite of all the darkness, 
In spite of all the terror, 

there was enough light to get me through,   

and for that I give you some credit. 

Thank you for not pulling the trigger. 

As I heal my pain from this relationship, 
I offer my healing in service to 

the larger fracture and dis-ease 

of the Divine Masculine in the world.   

May my healing and wholeing 
extend into all my relationships, 

and into all father / daughter connections. 

May my healing have heart value 

that ripples out into the world 

in service to kindness, love and respect. 

May my healing offer something

of value to all of humanity; 

past, present and future. 

Whew.

Father, you enrolled me
 into a Masters program

of healing & wholeing 

that I would not have received 

from any other poison. 

As I witnessed my father's passage 

through deaths gate, 

I knew it was time to release myself 

from his last name as well. 

As he died, I let this part of me go. 

I opened to Spirit

and asked to receive my new name. 

The moniker that would 

guide and inspire me forward 

into my Second Adulthood. 

This Death Lodge process with my father 

was a powerful milestone 

in receiving my new name; 

Raven Shree

"The Bringer of Light" 

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The Site of Initial Fracture

 As part of my initiation
  into my Second Adulthood, 
I visited my childhood neighborhood
in San Diego, CA. 
You can read more about this in my blog 
"Trip Down Memory Lane"

On this trip, there were 4 locations 
I wanted to visit on a one block radius.  
You can read about Location #3 in my blog 
"Inspired by Decapitation"

Now to share a bit about Locations 1 & 2;
2 houses on a cult-a-sac
in a suburban neighborhood
next to the Tijuana border.  

This is where I received the initial fracture 
between my Sacral & Heart Chakras,
and my Sacred Wound 
from the Divine Masculine. 

Location #1
The house I grew up in. 
It is here, where the Divine Masculine,
 in the form of my father, 
pushed my life force away,
and instilled in me a deep fear of Man. 

Location #2
The house of a childhood friend. 
It is here, where the Divine Masculine,
in the form of a friends father, 
molested me for several years. 

Here is a SoulCollage card I created
around these two energies in my life.

The polarity of these experiences,
the pushing away & devouring of
by these 2 men,
over several years,
created many conflicting beliefs in me 
about my sexuality & value as a female. 

Many of these beliefs traveled with me 
into adulthood, greatly influencing 
how I expressed & repressed
my sexuality and interacted with men.

As I enter this new phase of my life
I am seeing beliefs that no longer serve me,  
or the larger vision I have for love & relationship 

with myself & man. 

To prepare for my visit 
to Locations 1 & 2 

I engaged in a 3 night ceremony process.

Night One
In shamanic journey space,
I called on the Divine Masculine 
to show up in a way that felt safe & vital.
I was retuning to a childhood location 
where I was introduced to 
shadow aspects of man... 
now I wanted something filled with light.

 An Angel appeared. 

It was wonderful to see 
the light of the Divine in this form. 
The Angel & I connected  
in this ethereal space of consciousness. 

We eye gazed, heart connected 
and became familiar with one another. 
I felt safe & inspired. 

Night Two
I called the male Angel back into journey space,
this time we met at the top of the cult-a-sac
of the street where I grew up. 
I wanted his light anchored there 
for my future arrival in the flesh. 

We sat side by side on the hot asphalt 
between Locations 1 & 2 

and rooted our connection & presence
into that space. It was nice
to have him there with me 

for my first “visit” back to this location. 

Night Three
I met the male Angel at the top of the cult-a-sac, 
and this time, I shared with him 

stories of what happened in these 2 locations. 

He held my hand, 
put his winged arm around me, 
and listened. 

He did not think less of me 
for having had these experiences. 

I told him of the defense mechanisms 
I created from these 2 experiences 
and how they influenced
my life & relationships with men.

I told him about the model of Wholeness 
I am now living, and my desire 

 to alchemize poison from these experiences 

so I can turn them into an elixir 
that inspires my current service model of living. 

The male Angel listened... 
and loved Me. 

Being held in the gaze & space 
of the Divine Masculine in this way 
during each of these 3 nights of ceremony 
supported me deeply during my in-person visit,

which I'll share about in a future blog. 

I am so grateful for my practice 
and the tools I've gathered over the years 
to support me in healing the past, 
and empowering my now,
so my future has more light in it.

Ponderings for your Wild Soul Wanderings

* What places hold powerful memories for you?
* What is your Sacred Wound?
* What limiting beliefs do you have around your life force?   

* How were these beliefs initially formed?
* How have these beliefs influenced your life?
* What fractures in your being are ready for connection? 

* What new beliefs are you ready to live?
* What angels are available to support your wholeing?

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